You'd think that someone who fancies himself as funny as I do would be putting more material out there. I guess I'm more of the incidental humor type. I don't do as well at this observational humor thing, which seems to be the mainstay of contemporary comedy. I make funny jokes on the spot, I'm good at making puns so terrible that they're actually funny.
What seems to get more laughs (and shocked stares) than anything else, though, is my occasionally explosive temper. Now, I'm not violent or anything. I'm 5'4" and weigh in at 130 lbs. soaking wet. I couldn't hurt someone if I wanted to. Which I don't.
Most of the time. Previous posts will provide examples of the exceptions.
I'm a laid back guy. I try to roll with the punches for the most part. Where Kym will freak the fuck out, I usually just try to think in terms of solutions rather than problems. Usually. But, I guess I don't channel my frustrations well, because they tend to stay under the surface until they reach critical mass. So you end up with scenes where I'm arguing, loudly, with a reticent stereo that insists that there is no disc in the player, when clearly there is one. I'll have debates. I have this thing about taking shit from inanimate objects.
My thing is, I don't take shit from inanimate objects. If they're not doing their job, I will take to threatening them with a hatchet or hammer. If this proves ineffective, I go through with the next logical step, which is to chastise the offending object with said hammer or hatchet. Following this will be a scene of Kym bringing the hammer down on me, figuratively speaking. These scenes are doubtless frustrating for Kym, because I remain typically unrepentant in these matters.
"I'm sorry babe, but the DVD player had to die. Its time was here. It was old, it was tired. AND THE GOD DAMNED FUCKER WON'T PLAY WHAT I DAMN WELL TELL IT TO! THAT'S WHAT ITS FUCKING JOB IS!"
And if you don't do the job you're hired to do, well, you get axed. Plain and simple. This is just logic, here.
Another example was the case of the dick-swiping toilet.
In my new (soon to be old) apartment, the toilet had one of those resevoirs that bulges out a little bit. Coupled with a seat cover that also bulged upwards, it was a precarious balance when I would take a leak. Meaning, that the best I could do when lifting the seat was to put it at it's exact point of balance. Inevitably, the thing would fall down, attacking my wang, 2 pisses out of 3. This persisted for about 2 weeks, until it caught me. That day I was just too slow, and I got dickslapped by a toilet. Now, as I said, getting guff from an inanimate object is a bit of a pet peeve for me. They do what I tell them to do. I'm animate, they're not. And since they're not animate, I have no compunctions about getting a little rough.
As a sidenote here, this isn't bragging. None of these stories are things to be particularly proud of. Just wanted to be clear on that.
To return to the story, well, I got my cock slapped by a toilet. This would not do. I slammed the seat back up to its necessary position, perhaps with excessive force. Okay, definitely with excessive force. Enough force to crack the resevoir in about half a dozen places, actually. This was not cool. In brief, I had a toilet pissing on my floor. I had lost to a plumbing fixture.
The whole thing sort of stunned me. I said earlier that I deal with problems in a solution-oriented fashion. Well, not this time. The extent of my resourcefulness at this point was pretty much to stare at what I had done in stunned silence, followed by a very sheepish, "Kym?"
She sort of took charge at that point. We basically had to shut off the water, and go buy a new toilet the next day. We did the switch ourselves, because I didn't really feel like explaining the situation to my landlord.
"Yeah, uh, the toilet, like, attacked my dick. Well, it didn't hurt, exactly, but shit, A TOILET SLAPPED MY KNOB! So I, like, broke the toilet to get back at it." I'm sure that would have gone over real well.
Actually, most of the people Kym has told (and believe you me, she's not shy about sharing this little gem) seem to think the whole thing is pretty god damned amusing. And not in a "Dude, you're a cut-up" kind of way. More like, "Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?"
But I'll tell you this: Our new toilet knows not to fuck with me.
